Freedom in its own right

Written by: Riri

We promised to give you our own versions of Pagan Pride Day. I honestly had no idea what to expect. How do you prepare for something your not even sure you are ready for? What do you look forward to? Hell, What do you wear? (of course this is my question, I am a extreme fashionista!) All of these questions aside I was a combination of feelings as Saturday approached. As we drove through Gate 5 all sorts of things flitted through my mind, I was nervous, excited and in awe all at the same time. When we dropped our cans in the box and got our wristbands, well my one thought was, Oh shit am I actually PAGAN enough to fit in here?

It turns out I was! Granted my dress which would have caused me to at least stand out some in a normal crowd was quite, shall we say, demure compared to several of the other outfits. But this did not disturb me at all. There were people dressed in outfits I could only dream of! Well enough of my obsessed fashion sense. I spent the first few hours amazed at what was going on around me. I ate Agave Honey and wandered through all the tents. I watched Li buy a few things but didn't feel the pull towards anything. Not yet at least.

We found a place to have my tarot read. It was slightly odd to me. I am a beginner reader myself. I just have this feeling this pull about the cards. But I still keep a book on them every time I pull just to be sure I know what I am doing. Now knowing this, you would think I would have had my cards read before right? WRONG. I was amazed at her talents. There were things she was asking me that no one here knew but Li. I think the most intriguing thing she had to tell me was how important it was for me to open up. How important it was for me to let in the one person who is always there for me. Then looking at my cards, she kinda laughed and asked me who fit that description. Lili. I don't quite know how to explain how we are connected. I just know that I have always known her, even though I didn't meet her until high school. But this is a different tale for another time. After my cards were read she read Li's. Once again our friendship came up. This woman was amazed at our bond. Please understand there is nothing more than friendship between us, though we often asked on that matter. Li's tarot is not a story for me to tell so I will not. I will let you know that after having mine read there was a weight lifted of my shoulders. I was worried about my venture to where I am now. I no longer have any fear on the matter of my choices, just fear on how to make sure I survive. I know in the end I will. I thank Diane for making my fears lessen and by confirming things I needed to confront and control.

After the tarot I wanted something done that was unique for me. In my intro to myself I informed you a little on my bloodline. I saw Azurae Windwalker and had my soul Portrait done.

I wanted this due to my Native American Heritage. Now I am not going to explain what all of these things mean. Just know that they prove things I thought I always knew. Things I thought people would think I was crazy for telling them I could do. Things I have yet to write about for that reason. I will now because I know I am safe. Before long you will get a blog on why I have green and teal stripes on this picture. Why there is a black crow and why there is that triangle thing in the middle. I feel that they require a blog of their own. I was glad to hear the things I did. I was proud of what I found out.

I have never found a niche. A place where I fit in. Going to Pagan Pride actually gave me that. I was always the girl right on the edge, that didn't always get the jokes and got whispered about behind her back. I finally felt good. I finally found a place where I was normal. Don't get me wrong I love being abnormal. But we were asked in closing ritual Saturday to pick one word to describe what you felt or found here at pagan pride day. I heard several good ones as I walked up, Fellowship, Friends, Love but mine I couldn't shout. I couldn't shout because it wasn't meant to be shouted, It was meant to be carried away in the wind for the Goddess to breathe in, FREEDOM. For once in my life I felt completely free. I had nothing to hold me back, no fears to tie me down. So today I will tell you I am basking in my new found glory. Have I come out and claimed to be Pagan or Wiccan? No. Yet I see the door of my closet opening a little farther. I hear the Goddess calling back to me Freedom and I smile.

CNCPPD: Central NC Pagan Pride Day

Written By: Lili & Riri

This weekend was a big weekend for us. It was our first NC Pagan Pride Day!!! You hopefully will be getting posts from each of us individually but this one was just to give you a little taste into our world. This experience was life altering for us. We saw others who were like us and some who were even more extreme. Saturday we spent drinking in it all and Sunday, well we took pictures. We had our tarot read, and a few other metaphysical things done. Mostly we spent hours sitting on the grass, watching the world and enjoying the energy. So for you our loyal readers, A glimpse into our day. Pay attention, who knows you might find a surprise at the end.

The Sign Post

I just liked this guy's hat!

They found the perfect place....

All the trees were wonderful!

One of the entertainers

Look!! A Faerie!!

Pagan Children ;)

The Center of our Ritual Circle.

South: Fire

East: Air

North: Earth

West: Water

Preparing for Rituals

Gathering

Ri had her soul Portrait done.

The Circle...

They Apparently thought they should pose!

Her music was beautiful.

Henna Anyone?

Diane, who read our Tarot.

Your Wonderful Writers: Lili & Riri

Escaping From Salem

written by: Riri

The past few blogs have been only from Li. She has had some frustrating days and some very liberating ones. This time it is time to be all about me.

I am moving forward. I am no longer living in my version of Salem. I have found my way west so to speak. That doesn't mean I am any further out of my closet. I have a whole new set of things weighing me down. BUT I am much closer to being ready to jump out for myself.

I now go to school again. Its a very liberal abet "Christian" school. That seems odd doesn't it? I like what the school stands for. It may have been founded as a Presbyterian women's college but that doesn't mean that that is who has to go there. Women have to go there obviously, as far as religion goes? Well, they are far more open. I am not required to be anybody there. No one actually cares if you are Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Atheist, or Pagan. I feel extremely liberated there.

Next week is my birthday. And Pagan Pride weekend. Lili and I will be there. We will stand proud at opening ceremony. We will be around others who understand. Others who feel. Who knows? Maybe we can generate some hype for this blog there!! There are many who don't understand what we tell them about who we are. Many who read our blog and laugh. But to us this is everyday life.

I am proud to be myself. I have Escaped from Salem and am moving on. I will have many more things to tell about, more dreams to share. I am stepping out one tiny little step at a time.

Embracing Your Shadow

Try it.

embracing your shadow means exactly that. realize that you are human, and because of your humanity, you are innatley good - and evil. We are all made up of goodd and evil elements. We each carry bad thing s about ourselves that make us who we are. Our bad habits, our malicious thoughts. Instead of trying your best to wish them away - I am embracing them. And remembering that my shadow is part of me. And that I'm not an angel - and I'm not supossed to be.

spectacular

So, I'm going to Aveda to learn esthiology. if you don't know what that means (it's fine, no one does) it means I can wax your vagina, give you a facial, and tell you what is wrong with your skin when I get my license. And I decided from the very beginning, that I would be very, very honest about who and what I am.
So here's what happened. there is this woman in my class that is in her mid 30's, and looks like she's 18. She's gorgeous, funny, sweet as pie, and she loves Jesus.
To each his own, right? RIGHT. I love Jesus, I think his philosophies, and preachings, are BEAUTIFUL. And I believe every person should live with those principals.
It's his followers I have a problem with. The judging, the lip-snarling, ugh, I can't fucking take it.
I am always getting invited to church, which I appreciate, but really? I expected more tolerance when choosing a school in Chapel Hill, which is a REALLY liberal city.
And I get comments about worshipping the Devil.
And the worst? a guest the other day asked if another student could work on her after she noticed my Pentacle necklace the other day.
"Is that the devil symbol?" She asked.
"This? Oh, no, I'm a Wiccan. They represent the 4 elements and the The Spirit." I said, smiling. she looked like I just told her I was going to disembowl her with a shrimp fork.
"Can I get another student to work on me? I really just don't feel comfortable anymore."
How terrible is it that I have to go to the ladies room and cry?

A whole other world

The energy around me is dragging lately. I feel like I'm under water, and I keep reaching to break the surface, but I can't. I have no idea why.
Me being able to see auras has come back - in awkwardly, staggering baby steps. But that is something in a different basket altogether.
This dark energy has been draped over me, and I have no clue where it is coming from. I feel okay, happy about to finally be done with school, but I feel like there are these weights all over me. It's manifesting itself into something bad, something that looms over me, watching me, making me so nervous. It's in my loft, and my dogs are scared of it.

okay, now I sound loony.

but I'm not kidding.

-Lilli

The Changes in the Wind

Written By: Riri

There are sometimes in life where everything seems to blow in a different direction. We can be moving along perfectly happy and fine then, whoosh... here comes the Wind. It either carries you back 10 steps or propels you forward 20 paces. No matter what you are left dizzy, confused and motion sickness sets in.

Our lives are currently undergoing a change of Wind. Li is in school again, making the best of our possible directional default. By July she will be out in the real world with a trade to use. But with 600 hours of course work between now and then her existence in the Broom Closet is a little non-existent.

My section of Wind is more of a whirlwind. I am not quite sure if I am or have been moving forward or back. I know the eventual outcome will be a lateral slide to the west, which means I am hopefully moving forward. The path getting there seems a little more impossible than I thought. With my past coming back to haunt me and my future taunting me, I am more or less too distracted to think clearly on what I am doing. Every now and then I see a break in the Wind.

I will land on my feet. I am like a feline that way. For now, I will consider my Wind my constant competitor. Sometimes the Wind is one step ahead, but I will complete my part of the journey. And I will come out Victorious.

When did I grow up?

written by: Riri

This weekend an old friend from days gone past asked me "When the hell did you grow up?" I honestly didn't have an answer for him. How do you explain to someone you haven't seen in about eight years that you had grown up long ago? That even when you knew them you were more grown up then you let on? I may have spent my time around him as a young girl whom the older kids needed to watch out for, but when I came home at night I was watching out for my family. I was watching out for the drunken fights and ludicrous ideas. I was finding ways to steal keys and stop cars from starting. I was healing bruises from getting in the way of the wrong person at the wrong time.

I was never a child growing up. I only acted a child at the theater where we all played parts. I was able to be carefree there for a little while, until I knew I would be going home.

So when did I grow up? I don't know. At some point I discovered what tattoos were and how much I like getting them. I found out how to get fucked the wrong way. I am still waiting for the right way to come along. Officially I grew up about 2 or 3 years ago. but in reality? Well I never was young.

Thoughts.

"Song To The Siren" - Mortal Coil

Written By: LiLi

I am alone on these rocks I called home,
But now they are as shapeless as smoke,
And all but my eyes sparkle, with mischief and pulsating regret.
I let the Universe that I am here, holding my hands out.
All I wanted was love.
And for you to tell me I was worth it.
All I wanted was love.
And for you to tell me that I can make it.
I'm not like them, swaying back and forth in the breeze,
The sun touches them, they have wants but no needs.
When I sing, you hear and smile,
I want love so bad it brings tears to my eyes.
Wondering keeps my knowing I exist,
But it's puzzling to whether or not I am living.
All I ever wanted was love,
And for you to tell me I am worth it.
All I wanted was someone beside me to feel the earth move,
But I don't feel like I am worth it.
Floating, isn't funny how they won't weep for me?
I'm not sure I am worth it.

Pursuit of Creativiness

written by: Lili

I alway had this set plan for me. Well, that's not exactly true. I always had a rough sketch planned out for me. It always involved me going into the military, I always felt that I'd feel less of a woman if I did not go in. someone tell me that's not true. Someone tell me I can still be proud of myself without having to sacrifice 8 years of individuality, and time away from the only person I feel the earth move with. Someone let me know I am special enough, and I don't need to wear a uniform with metals and ribbons. Please, because I am having a shit load of trouble trying to convince myself.
I've been doing nothing but exploring all of my options lately. I still think about doing the coast guard everyday. When I'm not sleeping, I think about it at least once an hour. But I've also thought about styling and makeup and doing hair. And starting my fashion line. And becoming a Doula, and hopefully finding someone who will help me become a Neo-Pagan minister. And then maybe going to Graphic Design school. And doing shows again, and maybe driving a convertible someday soon, being able to call things my own. But I always feel like if I don't do the military, I am letting the one person I feel the earth move with, down. I am letting him down, an I am asking him to take care of me for even longer. I feel like shit.
I've been looking to nature and the moon to try and give me the answers. I keep thinking about my father, and how he would give me the right answer. And I think about if I am doing the whole military thing just to bring a piece of him back. But no matter what I do, he isn't coming back. Would he have told me to join the military, or to be the artist I am, and go after that? I don't know. I'm so scared, and confused, and time isn't slowing down and waiting for me to make up my mind, I hate it.
I want my partner by my side, my artistic soulmate, Ri. Ri, we can do this. we can be artists, we can be kids, since we've been grannies our whole childhoods. Let's have an artistic mini-career, then settle. :)

Directions Please?

Written By: Riri

This is all a giant leap for me. I haven't "stepped out" of MY broom closet to all of those around me. Now don't get me wrong, I have know for a while what I was and who I am. I think some where inside I have known all my life. I just have had trouble adjusting to telling the world, well not the world just those around me. I could shout it to the world, but I'm not down for being lynched in Salem.
I grew up living the dream childhood, playing outside, laughing, dance classes, private singing lessons, theatre, and seeing ghosts. Oh wait... that isn't quite normal. I never knew it wasn't. I found out quite early that there were odd quirks about me. I could hear the voices in the wind. I could feel the hum of the tree's life. I knew how to solve problems that were not necessarily mine to fix. My brain flipped a switch and I knew which answer went with the problem that had never been presented to me, just thought next to me. I never found this weird or odd. I just thought I was more mature, more adult than others.

As I grew older imagine my surprise to find traces of magick in my blood line. On my mothers side I had a great great grandmother who was a pure blood Seminole Indian. She and her brother were both considered to be Shaman, the in between of the human and spirit world. They healed souls and wounds. I have a great Aunt who has been said to have odd dreams, she sees things that are to happen. Now these dreams have always been called that, dreams. But I wonder if there was just the fear of what was happening to her. I understand that fear. I am willing to strive against it to be who I am. Times are different now and I have a chance.

As Lili said we are here to educate and illuminate. We are here to explain that its not all cackling and cauldrons, or old ugly hags. Yes Lili we are probably the Poster Children. But hey Maybe that is not so bad.

I am still striving to find my foothold in the door of my closet. I know where I want to be, I see the light on the other side and the cauldron boiling... I am just not sure how to make my leap of faith and magick. And when I do What shoes should I wear?

Guess I never noticed that much...

Written by Lili

Something magically (no pun intended) happens when you make that brave, bold first step out of the broom closet. It's as if you automatically don't give a damn about everyone's opinions, but at the same time, you want to educate everyone you come across. Personally, I'm still waiting on the latter. Don't get it wrong, I care, I really do. But I'm so exhausted with caring.
I've been practicing magick my whole life. I guess I never really noticed though, I guess I never really realized it was that big of a deal until the Catholic Squad at my elementary school in Rhode Island tried to "save" me in the school's fountain during recess. I wasn't sure what I needed saving from. I was a relatively normal little girl. I drew and painted, I sang in the school and state choirs, I ran, jumped, played. .... and casted spells. I was a witch every Halloween that I can remember, and cried when I had to take the costume off, it felt like armor.
I started going to Christian church when I was in high-school. I sang in the choir, and it was the only way I could sit through a service. And there was something special about being a part of the service, and the comraderie that came with being in the choir. If you ever encounter a church choir, you'll find they are just a teensy bit more liberal than the rest of the congregation. I mean, even if you're singing about God, you're still singing, you're still being an artist.... all artists are liberals, even if they don't realize it.
In the end, I accepted God as a Universal God. I don't think it should matter how we get to him / her, but that we get there. That we show him / her the respect that it deserves for creating the earth, us, and protecting us. Spells are just prayers, with herbs and elements and music. But somehow people are forgetting how interwined we all are with each other...how so much we are different, yet all of the same.
I don't try very hard to be different. And neither does Riri. We just are what we are. You can't deny it for very long before it starts taking a hold of you. You might as well own up to who you are the sooner the better - it gives you more of a shot to enjoy what you have left of your life. Don't make excuses, they either like you for you or they don't. And if they don't - they don't. I wouldnt try to win anyone over who didn't like me for my religious beliefs, because I think that is just hateful. So, here we go. We're starting a blog to really educate and illuminate people on what and who we really are. I guess we're becoming the poster children, aren't we Riri? Well, thank Riri for wanting to illuminate and educate, I'm still being the crabby witch in the corner that wants you to get off her lawn.