Pursuit of Creativiness

written by: Lili

I alway had this set plan for me. Well, that's not exactly true. I always had a rough sketch planned out for me. It always involved me going into the military, I always felt that I'd feel less of a woman if I did not go in. someone tell me that's not true. Someone tell me I can still be proud of myself without having to sacrifice 8 years of individuality, and time away from the only person I feel the earth move with. Someone let me know I am special enough, and I don't need to wear a uniform with metals and ribbons. Please, because I am having a shit load of trouble trying to convince myself.
I've been doing nothing but exploring all of my options lately. I still think about doing the coast guard everyday. When I'm not sleeping, I think about it at least once an hour. But I've also thought about styling and makeup and doing hair. And starting my fashion line. And becoming a Doula, and hopefully finding someone who will help me become a Neo-Pagan minister. And then maybe going to Graphic Design school. And doing shows again, and maybe driving a convertible someday soon, being able to call things my own. But I always feel like if I don't do the military, I am letting the one person I feel the earth move with, down. I am letting him down, an I am asking him to take care of me for even longer. I feel like shit.
I've been looking to nature and the moon to try and give me the answers. I keep thinking about my father, and how he would give me the right answer. And I think about if I am doing the whole military thing just to bring a piece of him back. But no matter what I do, he isn't coming back. Would he have told me to join the military, or to be the artist I am, and go after that? I don't know. I'm so scared, and confused, and time isn't slowing down and waiting for me to make up my mind, I hate it.
I want my partner by my side, my artistic soulmate, Ri. Ri, we can do this. we can be artists, we can be kids, since we've been grannies our whole childhoods. Let's have an artistic mini-career, then settle. :)