When did I grow up?

written by: Riri

This weekend an old friend from days gone past asked me "When the hell did you grow up?" I honestly didn't have an answer for him. How do you explain to someone you haven't seen in about eight years that you had grown up long ago? That even when you knew them you were more grown up then you let on? I may have spent my time around him as a young girl whom the older kids needed to watch out for, but when I came home at night I was watching out for my family. I was watching out for the drunken fights and ludicrous ideas. I was finding ways to steal keys and stop cars from starting. I was healing bruises from getting in the way of the wrong person at the wrong time.

I was never a child growing up. I only acted a child at the theater where we all played parts. I was able to be carefree there for a little while, until I knew I would be going home.

So when did I grow up? I don't know. At some point I discovered what tattoos were and how much I like getting them. I found out how to get fucked the wrong way. I am still waiting for the right way to come along. Officially I grew up about 2 or 3 years ago. but in reality? Well I never was young.

Thoughts.

"Song To The Siren" - Mortal Coil

Written By: LiLi

I am alone on these rocks I called home,
But now they are as shapeless as smoke,
And all but my eyes sparkle, with mischief and pulsating regret.
I let the Universe that I am here, holding my hands out.
All I wanted was love.
And for you to tell me I was worth it.
All I wanted was love.
And for you to tell me that I can make it.
I'm not like them, swaying back and forth in the breeze,
The sun touches them, they have wants but no needs.
When I sing, you hear and smile,
I want love so bad it brings tears to my eyes.
Wondering keeps my knowing I exist,
But it's puzzling to whether or not I am living.
All I ever wanted was love,
And for you to tell me I am worth it.
All I wanted was someone beside me to feel the earth move,
But I don't feel like I am worth it.
Floating, isn't funny how they won't weep for me?
I'm not sure I am worth it.

Pursuit of Creativiness

written by: Lili

I alway had this set plan for me. Well, that's not exactly true. I always had a rough sketch planned out for me. It always involved me going into the military, I always felt that I'd feel less of a woman if I did not go in. someone tell me that's not true. Someone tell me I can still be proud of myself without having to sacrifice 8 years of individuality, and time away from the only person I feel the earth move with. Someone let me know I am special enough, and I don't need to wear a uniform with metals and ribbons. Please, because I am having a shit load of trouble trying to convince myself.
I've been doing nothing but exploring all of my options lately. I still think about doing the coast guard everyday. When I'm not sleeping, I think about it at least once an hour. But I've also thought about styling and makeup and doing hair. And starting my fashion line. And becoming a Doula, and hopefully finding someone who will help me become a Neo-Pagan minister. And then maybe going to Graphic Design school. And doing shows again, and maybe driving a convertible someday soon, being able to call things my own. But I always feel like if I don't do the military, I am letting the one person I feel the earth move with, down. I am letting him down, an I am asking him to take care of me for even longer. I feel like shit.
I've been looking to nature and the moon to try and give me the answers. I keep thinking about my father, and how he would give me the right answer. And I think about if I am doing the whole military thing just to bring a piece of him back. But no matter what I do, he isn't coming back. Would he have told me to join the military, or to be the artist I am, and go after that? I don't know. I'm so scared, and confused, and time isn't slowing down and waiting for me to make up my mind, I hate it.
I want my partner by my side, my artistic soulmate, Ri. Ri, we can do this. we can be artists, we can be kids, since we've been grannies our whole childhoods. Let's have an artistic mini-career, then settle. :)

Directions Please?

Written By: Riri

This is all a giant leap for me. I haven't "stepped out" of MY broom closet to all of those around me. Now don't get me wrong, I have know for a while what I was and who I am. I think some where inside I have known all my life. I just have had trouble adjusting to telling the world, well not the world just those around me. I could shout it to the world, but I'm not down for being lynched in Salem.
I grew up living the dream childhood, playing outside, laughing, dance classes, private singing lessons, theatre, and seeing ghosts. Oh wait... that isn't quite normal. I never knew it wasn't. I found out quite early that there were odd quirks about me. I could hear the voices in the wind. I could feel the hum of the tree's life. I knew how to solve problems that were not necessarily mine to fix. My brain flipped a switch and I knew which answer went with the problem that had never been presented to me, just thought next to me. I never found this weird or odd. I just thought I was more mature, more adult than others.

As I grew older imagine my surprise to find traces of magick in my blood line. On my mothers side I had a great great grandmother who was a pure blood Seminole Indian. She and her brother were both considered to be Shaman, the in between of the human and spirit world. They healed souls and wounds. I have a great Aunt who has been said to have odd dreams, she sees things that are to happen. Now these dreams have always been called that, dreams. But I wonder if there was just the fear of what was happening to her. I understand that fear. I am willing to strive against it to be who I am. Times are different now and I have a chance.

As Lili said we are here to educate and illuminate. We are here to explain that its not all cackling and cauldrons, or old ugly hags. Yes Lili we are probably the Poster Children. But hey Maybe that is not so bad.

I am still striving to find my foothold in the door of my closet. I know where I want to be, I see the light on the other side and the cauldron boiling... I am just not sure how to make my leap of faith and magick. And when I do What shoes should I wear?

Guess I never noticed that much...

Written by Lili

Something magically (no pun intended) happens when you make that brave, bold first step out of the broom closet. It's as if you automatically don't give a damn about everyone's opinions, but at the same time, you want to educate everyone you come across. Personally, I'm still waiting on the latter. Don't get it wrong, I care, I really do. But I'm so exhausted with caring.
I've been practicing magick my whole life. I guess I never really noticed though, I guess I never really realized it was that big of a deal until the Catholic Squad at my elementary school in Rhode Island tried to "save" me in the school's fountain during recess. I wasn't sure what I needed saving from. I was a relatively normal little girl. I drew and painted, I sang in the school and state choirs, I ran, jumped, played. .... and casted spells. I was a witch every Halloween that I can remember, and cried when I had to take the costume off, it felt like armor.
I started going to Christian church when I was in high-school. I sang in the choir, and it was the only way I could sit through a service. And there was something special about being a part of the service, and the comraderie that came with being in the choir. If you ever encounter a church choir, you'll find they are just a teensy bit more liberal than the rest of the congregation. I mean, even if you're singing about God, you're still singing, you're still being an artist.... all artists are liberals, even if they don't realize it.
In the end, I accepted God as a Universal God. I don't think it should matter how we get to him / her, but that we get there. That we show him / her the respect that it deserves for creating the earth, us, and protecting us. Spells are just prayers, with herbs and elements and music. But somehow people are forgetting how interwined we all are with each other...how so much we are different, yet all of the same.
I don't try very hard to be different. And neither does Riri. We just are what we are. You can't deny it for very long before it starts taking a hold of you. You might as well own up to who you are the sooner the better - it gives you more of a shot to enjoy what you have left of your life. Don't make excuses, they either like you for you or they don't. And if they don't - they don't. I wouldnt try to win anyone over who didn't like me for my religious beliefs, because I think that is just hateful. So, here we go. We're starting a blog to really educate and illuminate people on what and who we really are. I guess we're becoming the poster children, aren't we Riri? Well, thank Riri for wanting to illuminate and educate, I'm still being the crabby witch in the corner that wants you to get off her lawn.