Embracing Your Shadow

Try it.

embracing your shadow means exactly that. realize that you are human, and because of your humanity, you are innatley good - and evil. We are all made up of goodd and evil elements. We each carry bad thing s about ourselves that make us who we are. Our bad habits, our malicious thoughts. Instead of trying your best to wish them away - I am embracing them. And remembering that my shadow is part of me. And that I'm not an angel - and I'm not supossed to be.

spectacular

So, I'm going to Aveda to learn esthiology. if you don't know what that means (it's fine, no one does) it means I can wax your vagina, give you a facial, and tell you what is wrong with your skin when I get my license. And I decided from the very beginning, that I would be very, very honest about who and what I am.
So here's what happened. there is this woman in my class that is in her mid 30's, and looks like she's 18. She's gorgeous, funny, sweet as pie, and she loves Jesus.
To each his own, right? RIGHT. I love Jesus, I think his philosophies, and preachings, are BEAUTIFUL. And I believe every person should live with those principals.
It's his followers I have a problem with. The judging, the lip-snarling, ugh, I can't fucking take it.
I am always getting invited to church, which I appreciate, but really? I expected more tolerance when choosing a school in Chapel Hill, which is a REALLY liberal city.
And I get comments about worshipping the Devil.
And the worst? a guest the other day asked if another student could work on her after she noticed my Pentacle necklace the other day.
"Is that the devil symbol?" She asked.
"This? Oh, no, I'm a Wiccan. They represent the 4 elements and the The Spirit." I said, smiling. she looked like I just told her I was going to disembowl her with a shrimp fork.
"Can I get another student to work on me? I really just don't feel comfortable anymore."
How terrible is it that I have to go to the ladies room and cry?

A whole other world

The energy around me is dragging lately. I feel like I'm under water, and I keep reaching to break the surface, but I can't. I have no idea why.
Me being able to see auras has come back - in awkwardly, staggering baby steps. But that is something in a different basket altogether.
This dark energy has been draped over me, and I have no clue where it is coming from. I feel okay, happy about to finally be done with school, but I feel like there are these weights all over me. It's manifesting itself into something bad, something that looms over me, watching me, making me so nervous. It's in my loft, and my dogs are scared of it.

okay, now I sound loony.

but I'm not kidding.

-Lilli

The Changes in the Wind

Written By: Riri

There are sometimes in life where everything seems to blow in a different direction. We can be moving along perfectly happy and fine then, whoosh... here comes the Wind. It either carries you back 10 steps or propels you forward 20 paces. No matter what you are left dizzy, confused and motion sickness sets in.

Our lives are currently undergoing a change of Wind. Li is in school again, making the best of our possible directional default. By July she will be out in the real world with a trade to use. But with 600 hours of course work between now and then her existence in the Broom Closet is a little non-existent.

My section of Wind is more of a whirlwind. I am not quite sure if I am or have been moving forward or back. I know the eventual outcome will be a lateral slide to the west, which means I am hopefully moving forward. The path getting there seems a little more impossible than I thought. With my past coming back to haunt me and my future taunting me, I am more or less too distracted to think clearly on what I am doing. Every now and then I see a break in the Wind.

I will land on my feet. I am like a feline that way. For now, I will consider my Wind my constant competitor. Sometimes the Wind is one step ahead, but I will complete my part of the journey. And I will come out Victorious.

When did I grow up?

written by: Riri

This weekend an old friend from days gone past asked me "When the hell did you grow up?" I honestly didn't have an answer for him. How do you explain to someone you haven't seen in about eight years that you had grown up long ago? That even when you knew them you were more grown up then you let on? I may have spent my time around him as a young girl whom the older kids needed to watch out for, but when I came home at night I was watching out for my family. I was watching out for the drunken fights and ludicrous ideas. I was finding ways to steal keys and stop cars from starting. I was healing bruises from getting in the way of the wrong person at the wrong time.

I was never a child growing up. I only acted a child at the theater where we all played parts. I was able to be carefree there for a little while, until I knew I would be going home.

So when did I grow up? I don't know. At some point I discovered what tattoos were and how much I like getting them. I found out how to get fucked the wrong way. I am still waiting for the right way to come along. Officially I grew up about 2 or 3 years ago. but in reality? Well I never was young.

Thoughts.

"Song To The Siren" - Mortal Coil

Written By: LiLi

I am alone on these rocks I called home,
But now they are as shapeless as smoke,
And all but my eyes sparkle, with mischief and pulsating regret.
I let the Universe that I am here, holding my hands out.
All I wanted was love.
And for you to tell me I was worth it.
All I wanted was love.
And for you to tell me that I can make it.
I'm not like them, swaying back and forth in the breeze,
The sun touches them, they have wants but no needs.
When I sing, you hear and smile,
I want love so bad it brings tears to my eyes.
Wondering keeps my knowing I exist,
But it's puzzling to whether or not I am living.
All I ever wanted was love,
And for you to tell me I am worth it.
All I wanted was someone beside me to feel the earth move,
But I don't feel like I am worth it.
Floating, isn't funny how they won't weep for me?
I'm not sure I am worth it.

Pursuit of Creativiness

written by: Lili

I alway had this set plan for me. Well, that's not exactly true. I always had a rough sketch planned out for me. It always involved me going into the military, I always felt that I'd feel less of a woman if I did not go in. someone tell me that's not true. Someone tell me I can still be proud of myself without having to sacrifice 8 years of individuality, and time away from the only person I feel the earth move with. Someone let me know I am special enough, and I don't need to wear a uniform with metals and ribbons. Please, because I am having a shit load of trouble trying to convince myself.
I've been doing nothing but exploring all of my options lately. I still think about doing the coast guard everyday. When I'm not sleeping, I think about it at least once an hour. But I've also thought about styling and makeup and doing hair. And starting my fashion line. And becoming a Doula, and hopefully finding someone who will help me become a Neo-Pagan minister. And then maybe going to Graphic Design school. And doing shows again, and maybe driving a convertible someday soon, being able to call things my own. But I always feel like if I don't do the military, I am letting the one person I feel the earth move with, down. I am letting him down, an I am asking him to take care of me for even longer. I feel like shit.
I've been looking to nature and the moon to try and give me the answers. I keep thinking about my father, and how he would give me the right answer. And I think about if I am doing the whole military thing just to bring a piece of him back. But no matter what I do, he isn't coming back. Would he have told me to join the military, or to be the artist I am, and go after that? I don't know. I'm so scared, and confused, and time isn't slowing down and waiting for me to make up my mind, I hate it.
I want my partner by my side, my artistic soulmate, Ri. Ri, we can do this. we can be artists, we can be kids, since we've been grannies our whole childhoods. Let's have an artistic mini-career, then settle. :)